Mary Anne Radmacher

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with my friend
and passion coach Bev, we talk so often laughing and sharing like school  girls.  What I find so wonderful about  her is that she is able to get me to dig and probe through my thoughts, letting
me to see things differently than they even present themselves to me.   Our conversation this day took me on a journey that opened my mind and explored how I get through the challenges that
life constantly throws at me.  I by no means have had a brutally hard life; but have found myself sad, disappointed,  heartbroken and lost at times.  Even in these times there has been this kind of invisible mechanism that allowed me to feel and experience those feelings and move on.    So times when I have felt depressed, or disappointed  by my own actions or the actions of others and hurt so deeply that I felt like I couldn’t go on I lived in that space for a time.  I know that sounds wild!  But I have, and as I have become more aware I recognize that for me this space often serves as a break from the world.  It is a space where I can cry, blame, feel sorry, be angry and be present for a little while!  Don’t get me wrong I am not talking about long bouts or clinical depression.  I am talking about a day or so where I don’t do anything but experience the hurt,  pain or disappointment that the situation is causing me.  Those days might include Hagen Daaz ice cream  for dinner or the whole catalog of Tyler Perry movies!  A long drawn out tear-filled conversation  with one of my sista – friends and a son who eats PB&J for lunch and dinner
because I don’t feel like cooking (he loves those days)!

And what’s the point of this you might ask?  Well the point of this time is to give my mind and body a rest!  A rest from trying to figure out the world, a rest from the expectations of me and others, and a time that lets me be ok with knowing that perfection is not possible.  My world includes those grand days and those sad days.  So when I acknowledge my humanness even as I strive to be my best person and be authentic I become even
more real.  It is for me like a vacation in my own mind.    So my friend Bev asked me what I do to get out of this space and there are two things I try to do….focusing on others and dreaming BIG.

Focusing on others helps me to understand that I am not in this world alone.  Even when my situation seems unmanageable focusing on helping others makes me feel better; not because I want them to be in bad situations or that misery loves company; it helps me to be grateful and thankful for life as it is right now.  Empathy and care for others always warms my heart.  If I can help someone else through a challenge I feel as if I am doing the work God wants me to do. He wants us to support those who need us and our gift to him is to help others.

Dreaming BIG allows me the option of thinking outside of my circumstances!  Don’t get me wrong it is not always an easy thing to do and it takes an imagination to see the current situation as temporary.  But I love that space…it is
like the whole world is born anew.  In that space for me anything is possible!  Each goal I have accomplished was sparked by a dream.  The completion starts with faith and a dream.  If I can believe it I can conceive it…the key is Time, Faith and Patience.

So I challenge you in the days where you are just not feeling it to take a moment and process those feelings…it is ok and human to feel sad or angry for a bit of time.  But if you can summon the courage to step outside of your circumstance and be present for someone else you might see the world and your purpose differently!

Authentically Yours,

Tracey

Can you remember the things that you used to dream about as a child?  Can
you close your eyes and visualize the things you spent your childhood thinking
about, exploring and daydreaming of?  I can! When I close my eyes I vividly see me as a young girl in my bedroom listening to the Jackson 5 on my grandmother’s old stereo and dreaming about being Randy Jackson’s wife the architect/interior designer!  For real, by that time I had graduated from Michael Jackson to his little brother Randy (now I am glad I didn’t end up his wife especially since I think that his wife ended up having his kids and then 2 of Jermaine’s kids too…but that is a whole other  subject…LOL!).

But I remember having these dreams and actually visualizing becoming an architect, of building beautiful structures, of designing stylish and classy rooms.  I would spend hours in my room…focused on me and what I would do, and how I would do it.  It was a time when my dream was validated simply because I had the paper and the vision.  The paper represented the foundations and the vision full and robust without the influence or constructs of the real world.  At that time I didn’t know that an architect needed to be good at math, or measuring feet and inches.  Honestly I didn’t know what it took to be an architect.   I just knew I enjoyed preparing space and filling them with pretty pictures of furniture from my
mother’s magazines!

 I got re-acquainted with this dream recently while on a campus tour with my daughter at a local art school.  I was so absorbed by the drawings and thecolors and the dreams of the young Tracey came flooding back to me.  I was excited but I also felt a bit sad.  What happened to my dream?  I was saddened by the thoughts of what I missed.  Could I have succeeded? Did I miss my calling? Could I have made beautiful things?!?!  And what was worse was that for a moment I began to question everything that had happened in my life since that time!  That 9 year old Tracey had so much possibility and could have been anything she wanted to be – how do I compare,
did I let her down?   I was struck by those feelings and I had to take a step back and recognize that I didn’t feel re-experience these feelings in order to bash and undermine myself!  Doing that served no purpose and distracted me from all the wonderful things I am doing today.

Today I know I traveled down that road to remind myself of something even more powerful!  I experienced that space so that I could
activate the big bold beautiful dreams that reside within me today!  How powerful is that?  Mighty powerful for me – that experience
reminds me that I am charged with dreaming as big and as beautifully as I can imagine.  The same way I channeled faith,
happiness and will to dream as a 9 year old is the way I am suppose to dream today.  No dream is too big!

There are many reasons today why I didn’t become an architect of buildings or a designer of beautiful pieces.  On the surface it might look
like I didn’t have the skills or the desire, but I believe the real reason is that I was not suppose to do that!  I am suppose to help build and mold people into the people they are suppose to be, bringing out the beauty that resides in the heart of a broken woman or a distraught man.  Helping couples remember what love looks like & reminding them each that love is possible, probably and by right a GOD
given gift!

So take a moment to think about your childhood dreams and go back there…dream again!  Life and your happiness depend on it.

Defines a space where
I seem to be lost

Where nothing makes
sense and everything feels wrong

Where my heart suffers
heavy and my spirit is drawn

Where my family is worried
and my friends are cautious

‘Cause what might
come from my mouth is cutting and full o’ Frost

But is this really true?

What about loving in
the Meantime is these things?

NOTHING…the ME
in the Meantime knows there is nothing MEAN in ME, and that this is my Time
to… 

Speak words of love, affirmations
and warm support

Swathe my family and
friends with feelings of Joi

Recognize my heart
and spirit that sparkle like Diamonds

Acknowledge that the
world’s alright and things don’t always make sense

Defined by a space
where I find…

My GOD; find myself
and my first Love….ME!

"A Mothers Prayer" courtesy of Sidney Carter

This year on Father’s Day there has been a lot of controversy about Hallmark cards’ marketing Father’s Day cards to single. To some that is taboo and to others it like a fist pumping confirmations of all the hard work, struggle & sacrifice that single mom’s make to raise their kids alone. As a single mother I understand the sentiment that compels a child to thank a mother for the love and support given when a father is MIA. As well, the strong bond and support that single mothers offer each other in general and on Mother’s and Father’s Day. We have a keen understanding of what it is like to walk this road and want to offer acknowledgment of the struggle and sacrifice.

I also understand that there are hurt feelings looming in those fathers who support their children and even in those who don’t. Father’s who are actively participating in the lives of their children feel cheated, like they are getting a back handed compliment or that they are being judged by the deeds of the so-called “dead beat dads”. The so-called “dead beat” dads possibly feel frustrated by the powerlessness of their position.

This debate opens old wounds, pitting moms vs. dads; the good parent vs. the bad parent and leaves each person in the situation broken, especially the children. One thing I realize is that we can’t judge any group of people using one broad brush stroke…not all single mothers are good and not all non-custodial dads are bad and vice versa.

It’s not easy to be a single mom or a dad who is not with his children (at least this is what many men say who are not with their kids say). But let’s keep it real, there are some men who are not grieved or missing their kids, they are choosing not to participate. These fathers, in my opinion, make it necessary for mom’s to fill both roles…not being a father – but doing some of the things that a father generally does. Then when we are placed in this role we get the negative backlash. We’re accused of trying to be father’s…wow…I don’t take my son to baseball because I want to be his father…I do it because he loves the game, and he wants to participate. Should I not do it so as not to “act like a father?” Should I get some random man to do it so he can be the surrogate father? Do I hook up with a guy so that my son can have some male role model, regardless of whether it is good for me or my son? Or maybe I just tell my son he can’t play baseball because taking the lead on that is a father’s job? That is absolutely ridiculous. There are things that must be done for my children whether they are done by their dad or me, and as a person I refuse to feel bad because I have picked up the slack. I say, get over it! Understand I can’t wait for someone else to do the job that needs to be done, if I’m the one here…I must do it! And if in the process I get or give praise to another single mom in the same situation so be it. This neither validates me as a father nor invalidates men as fathers…it is simply encouragement no more, no less.

This issue becomes frustrating to me because we are focusing on an issue that does not bring relief to either of the parents or to the children who really lose in this situation. Not looking at what is best for the mother or the father – because a hallmark card or a pat on the back does not make the role that each of these parents lives easier or more accomplished. Rather than argue about who gets what card, maybe we should try to foster dialogue that will help navigate these difficult relationships. We can’t erase the past of its hurt feelings or broken promises but can put our focus on what is most important…the kids and their needs and that means we all have to “man up” or “woman up” and take on the roles necessary to raise healthy happy kids. That is what I am committed to and if it means that I have to step into “fatherly roles” then that is what I am going to do!
Authentically Yours,
Tracey

Taking my life back…Just hearing those words gives me anxiety. Those words conjure up two feelings for me, anxiety because I am deciding to put my needs first and guilt because I am deciding to put myself first. Crazy right?!?

 Growing up a shy kid I worked hard to keep myself in the background and under the radar. I didn’t put myself in a position where I would stand out or where I had to aggressively lead. I liked to think I led by my positive example, but now I know I could have done more and had a bigger impact if I had been a more visible, vocal leader. But that is ok, ‘cause I was unknowingly in training. In training to be comfortable and to come into me and who I really am.

So getting back to me, me, me…and putting my needs first. This seems like the wrong time to come to this conclusion, with the passing of my father and the added responsibilities in my life. There is a part of my earthly being that tells me that I need to give more, accommodate more, and share more. But my spirit is telling me to think about me! Care about me, actively pursue the things I need and more importantly the things that I want. I feel like I am being led to a life of more purpose and more happiness…not at the expense of others, but through the inclusion of others. I have to work smarter to reach my own goals and the goals of those who mean so much to me. It most certainly means that I will have to move a bit out of my comfort zone, that I might have to drag myself out of the house to do things that I really want to do…even if I am tired or scared (there’s that ugly word again)!

I know that doing this is going to be harder than just doing it. It is going to take a change in my mindset, a change in lifelong habits, and may even break some hearts. I don’t’ want to live my life being safe and then get to the end and have regrets; even if those regrets were because I was taking care of someone I love. Do you feel me? You ever feel that way? Regretting something you did (or didn’t do) because you were hell bent on being safe and accommodating? I know many people who just exist in their lives because they don’t know how to break out and live or who are afraid of what others will think of how they break out and live! I don’t wanna do that anymore, cause guess what? I am no closer to being happy or fulfilled because I have that false sense of safety!!! If anything I find myself more frustrated and scared, because I am trying to live safe or accommodating at my own expense!!!

All we have is this moment and if we let it – it will surely pass us by! Let’s not do this anymore…I am promising myself that I will do something today that isn’t automatically accommodating and safe. Those things that I use as excuses for why I am not living my best life right now are keeping me from my destiny! As you can see I am a work in progress and have mad issues myself…but I am working it…LOL!!!  I’m on a new leg of this magnificent journey and the only thing that is guaranteed is that I have NO Idea what the outcome is gonna be! I am gonna keep my head up, keep praying and as Kirk Franklin says I’ma keep smiling cause ”when I think how much better I’m gonna be when this is over” I can’t help but be happy. So anxious or guilty I am going to seek out God, his promises to me, the good things, work through the challenges, and be ready for the opportunities to live and love fully when they undoubtedly present themselves.

Authentically Yours,

 Tracey

Photo Credit: Serge

May 11, 2011 changed my life.  All I can say is that the world as I knew it ceased to exist on that day.  My father Herbert Cobb died on that day and life will never be the same.  I know I keep saying the words, but a part of me still has a hard time believing that my dad is gone.  As I have moved through the two weeks since his death I find myself trying to make sense of something that seems so senseless and even cruel.  If I allowed myself to get angry this would be the time for anger.  But surprisingly I am not angry.  I know that everything happens for a reason and it was divinely ordered that my dad be born on March 17, 1945 and die on May 11, 2011.

Now just because I am not angry does not mean that I don’t care or that I am not missing him.  I miss my daddy each and every day and each and every moment!  I get sad when I see the way his absence affects my mother and his sisters who have also taken his death extremely hard.  I understand their loss but don’t really know how to make it better, and that is probably because I can’t really make it better for them.  Each of us is dealing with his death in a different way.  I worry about my mother and my children, but know that I can’t take the pain away…I can only watch, pray and support.  I think this is the hardest things about being a mom in this situation.  I want to fix the thing that I cannot fix.  Like a raging river overflowing its banks, I must let the feelings of each of my loved ones run their course.  This is so polar opposite of what a mother’s instincts suggest – How do I the fixer not swoop in and save the day?  Not solve the problem or satisfactorily ease the pain?  By giving it to GOD and letting his hand control the situation.  I know, it makes me feel helpless and hopeless but I know that he is the answer in this situation.  I don’t know what he plans to do in this situation, how we will all find healing or what the next steps will be, but I do know that he in his supreme glory is teaching us a lesson that can only be taught by him in such situations.  That lesson is that we must depend on him, he is our rock, our solace and our support and that only he can ease the pain in our heart.  I have to trust that he will make a way…even when there seems to be no way, and even when my family member are too heartbroken to hear this message it is up to me to pray that prayer for them. 

So this is the prayer I pray for my mother, my brothers, my children, my nephews and even my baby nieces who may not remember my daddy.  I pray that GOD will preserve my dad in all their hearts and that the love and support he gave us will comfort us through these uncertain times.

I thank everyone for their love and support and if you call me on the phone and ask me how I am doing and I say fine, believe that because GOD is holding me up and giving me peace in order to do what must be done in this fragile time.

Authentically yours,

Tracey

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono

I just finished watching the season finale of the VH-1 reality show “What Chilli Wants” and it got me to thinking.  I don’t  do a lot of celeb reality…You will more often than not catch me watching Intervention or 48 hours on A & E; but this season I was really struck by Chilli’s search for love.  So much so that I began to DVR it so that I could watch the show when I have time.  I guess you could call it my guilty pleasure!

Anyway, I am definitely feeling Chilli’s pain…!  Her desire to be in a relationship leapt right off the screen, helping me to recognize that same vulnerability I sometimes feel myself.  I was able to connect with the longing that she experiences in her quest to find her husband and her baby.  Her desire almost brought tears to my eyes, not that I am trying to have a baby, but I do understand the longing for my husband.  The longing for someone who you can share your day with – who will listen intently and then hug you; letting you know that tomorrow is a new day and that we will get through it. 

So Chilli has embarked on this journey to find the 1 and has enlisted the help of a coach who is screening the men she thinks Chilli will like and facilitating the dates but more importantly the change in mindset that is necessary to find her next love.  As they embark on this journey we see several of the dates and get insight into what Chilli thinks of the men.  I am not going to critique the show; I simply want to better understand the dating mindset, especially after being heartbroken.

Chilli is very clear about what she wants in a relationship and is honest with each of the guys about what she is looking for.  Letting the guys know that she is ready to be a wife and mother sooner than later!  I understand wanting honesty and no drama and game playing, but I wonder if these guys feel like all the fun of dating is being sucked out of the process!  It is almost like going to a sperm bank to pick a husband.  Can this really work for a man?  Or even for a woman?  It feels so forced – so unauthentic.

When I think about it I understand the desire to not be hurt; the need to keep your heart safe while seeking the great love of your life.  To be able to plan a life that includes no disappointments, heartache or pain!  But I don’t think you can find true love unless you are willing to take a chance.  The thrill of gambling is that the possibility of losing makes the sweet success of winning just that much more exhilarating!

Now I am not suggesting that we throw all caution to the wind, but we have to be vulnerable, our vulnerability offered in the right relationship is a gift.  It is divinely aligned with intimacy – you can’t be intimate physically or mentally without a bit of vulnerability.  Sharing that vulnerability lets a person know that they are worthy of exposure to your heart.  Can there be love without involving your heart? I don’t think you can, and if you try it you will simply be filling your life with a placeholder!  That person will simply be there to fill a space not to enhance your life.

My gut tells me that Chilli wants more than just a placeholder and I know for sure that I do.  If I could talk to her I would let her know that it is ok to be vulnerable and let the love come to her, past hurts don’t have to define her new relationships…no need to force it…love with your heart and you head…it’s a beautiful feeling and We deserve it!

Authentically yours,

Tracey

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

Wow, when I broke up with my children’s father in 2004 I had no idea I would be 7 years later very single!  I was feeling marvelous when we broke up…not so much because of him but because of me.  I was finally gonna be able to have space in my life for the relationship I had always hoped for.  One that celebrated me and my partner, it was going to be respectful and faithful, two people working together to reach a common goal.   I thought I was ready for a real adult relationship – ready to step into the world with a man who had his act together and was ready for a real woman!

What I know today is that I was clueless!  I had no idea how t be in real relationship because I had no idea who I was.  I had a superficial idea of how I wanted my relationship to be….Do you hear me? How I wanted MY relationship to be!  Like I was doing it by myself!  Like I had the power to completely control a relationship and have it bear positive fruit.  Today I know that back in 2004 I wasn’t ready to take responsibility, I didn’t even know what that looked like. 

So what do I see now?  I see amazing amounts of growth in my personal, professional, spiritual and academic lives.  All this growth, including the bumps and bruises has developed my intellect, respect, empathy and heart.  I understand that even I have shortcomings, wrapped up in my good heart is the soul of a woman who desires complete control!  Yeah I admit it…LOL!!! But that is the only way I can overcome that curse.  I know that I have bad habits that will challenge me and even usurp my desire to be in a relationship, but I am willing to work on those things because I desire a mutually fulfilling relationship more that I desire being right.

So where is the love?  The love is right within me!  I thank GOD he didn’t show me the right man at the wrong time, when I was still making my way though the lessons learned.  While I was full of pride and self-righteousness, feeling powerful as I allowed bitterness to fill my cup.  I am glad he waited until I could see value in my dream and in turn the dreams of those around me.  Now I wait with a feeling of excitement and honor, knowing that I have the wisdom and insight to build a relationship that can stand the test of time, on in which I won’t be asking…Where Is the LOVE?

Authentically yours,

Tracey

'Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"

As 2011 dawned I found myself in a familiar but very uncomfortable space.  As each New Year dawns I find myself deep in reflection, it might just be that Libra in me…always evaluating and re-evaluating – trying hard to make sure that the scales are balanced.  I felt tortured – comparing my list of goals for 2010 to my actual accomplishment.  I did not reach all of my goals and I spent one day  beating myself up,  mourning the things that I had not done – focusing on the things that made me feel inadequate.  It took a ride on a long winding road with a good friend for me to see myself through the eyes of my accomplishments rather than where I fell short. 

My friend reeled off a list of things that I had achieved and I must say the list was quite impressive, but I was still feeling overwhelmed and sad.  As my friend and I continued to talk and I saw myself focusing on some of the larger challenges of my life  (getting a job and continuing my educations)  I told her that I felt like I was a happy person, but that I didn’t have Joy in my life!  Well I thought I had uncovered a truth that would help me to exorcise the feelings of sadness and anxiousness that had engulfed me.  She reminded me of a book that she had read and that I had begun reading called the Naked Fruit, by Elisa Morgan that uncovered the fruits of the spirit.  This book specifically defined happiness as the feeling we get when a circumstance is met or when something goes our way.  Happiness is circumstantial and based on the meeting of a condition.  Joy on the other hand is that gut feeling of understanding and peace that we feel based on the fact that we acknowledge that God is in control.  In that moment, it made sense…I had joy…that thing that kept me going though flooded basements, unemployment, ant infestation, a  challenging masters program and a whole host of other life events that have visited me.

Joy allows me to be like that old school toy the Weebles …they wobble but they don’t fall down!  This joy is so ingrained in me and the person I am that I didn’t even realize it was there, it is like the blood flowing through my veins.

So I am vowing in 2011 to acknowledge that I AM STANDING ON JOY!!!  This Joy is my support – it is what keeps me upright, resilient and facing the world every day! I am acknowledging that I must be a willing participant in finding the happiness that I am missing.  That begins with speaking aloud the desires of my heart and taking them to GOD, allowing him to know that I believe that he will fulfill my needs and desires. 

Thank you GOD for giving me unlimited Joy and I pray that others see it within themselves and connect to that space within.

Authentically Yours,

Tracey

Credit: Kevin A. Williams WAK Artistry

Last weekend I found myself in a conversation/argument with an older many about the state of black relationships.  Actually, I was speaking with a friend about whether she had seen “For Colored Girls” and what she thought about it.  We had the same reaction, expressing joy and inspiration loving the movie and what is stirred up in us.  This man insinuated himself into our conversation by saying that the movie was male bashing (as he believes all Tyler Perry movies are) and that black women (he used another word but I won’t use that) have all the power because we have the money and the P&**Y!!!

First of all, I was shocked that this man had the nerve to say this in my parents’ home where he had come as a guest and where my parents were helping him through some life challenges.  Plus I was disgusted by the level of disrespect and the lack of courtesy that he showed by using such language.  I had to ask him how he could say that women have all the power – His idea is that women have the jobs and are making money that he can’t seem to attain himself.  He also felt that women use their sex to trick, deceive and manipulate men into situations that leave them powerless.  At first I was angry, now I find myself more sad than anything else.  This is what happens when you lose all hope in your own life.  All you can see is what you don’t have and what someone else has…and instead of working towards your goals you begin to try to tear others down.

I am saddened because I hear this attitude from black men often when they speak of black women.  It is a fact in the 21^st century that Black women are attending college, getting advanced degrees and landing jobs that allow them to take care of themselves in spite of their relationship status.  This seems to be a thorn in the side of many men.  They seem to believe that we are abandoning them, when what I am finding is that black women are feeling abandoned.  This is compounded by the impressions our men are leaving with us…that they don’t want to be in relationships with us, don’t want long term commitments or that we are ghetto gold-diggers, trying to swap relationships for baby daddy drama and child support checks.

 This conversation evolved into this man telling me how black women are also ruining our sons!  Now anyone who knows me knows that I have a 2 extremely talented children 10 year old son and a 19 old daughter.  My children are thriving in spite of the fact that their father chooses to make sporadic appearances’ in their lives.  My daughter is a freshman in college with a healthy self-esteem and a desire to either work in fashion or social work and my son was just admitted to the Gifted Students program after scoring in the 99^th percentile in standardized testing.  My children have other male role models and my son specifically is not spoiled, a baby, effeminate or any of the things that this man tried to insinuate about boys raised by single mothers.  Again, my question to this man was, “Where is your condemnation of the men who leave these boys to be raised by women alone?”  How lopsided is it that you would concentrate on what the women are doing, but not what the men are failing to do.

 Again, this is the type of passive aggression that is causing our families and relationships to fall apart.  I believe that women should call other women on the carpet who are using their children as pawns and that men should call out other men who are not participating in their children lives. 

As I began to get more and more frustrated with this man I tried to bring this conversation full circle asking his take at identifying some solutions… guess what I got…NOTHING!  He had nothing to offer but bitterness, contempt, anger and unfortunately hopelessness. And I knew at that point that I had to leave this conversation alone.  More damage was being done and I no longer wanted to be a party to the destruction of black relationships.  As days went by and I replayed the conversation I challenged myself to forgive myself for my reaction  to the situation and him for his anger and bitterness as I recognize that until he is ready to face himself he will always lay the blame at someone else’s feet.  I also began to think of ways that we can bridge the gap that will positively affect our relationships and more importantly our children and communities.

1. Take responsibility for our life choices, even the bad ones – when we do the appropriate self reflection we can make changes that will positively impact ourselves, our loved ones, and our children.
2. Don’t assume that all women, all men or all children act any one way.  When we make assumptions or judgments we kill the spirit of those we interact with.  Treat people as individuals and respect them and who they are until they give you a reason to believe otherwise.
3. Love yourself and treat yourself well.  If you treat yourself well, you will treat others that way based on personal pride.  You can’t change who they are or what they do, but you can affect how you act and react.

Finally, remember to always have faith and hope…they are the things that will see you through the inevitable challenges that life will throw at us.  They can help us to stave off bitterness and they remind us to keep a heart open to the many possibilities life has to offer!

Authentically Yours,

Tracey